The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton

Lyrics

The best ever death metal band out of Denton
Were a couple of guys, who'd been friends since grade school.
One was named Cyrus, and the other was Jeff.
And they practiced twice a week in Jeff's bedroom.1

The best ever death metal band out of Denton
Never settled[7] on a name.
But the top three contenders, after weeks of debate,
Were Satan's Fingers, and the Killers, and the Hospital Bombers.2

Jeff and Cyrus believed in their hearts they were headed
For stage lights and Learjets, and fortune and fame.
So in script that made prominent use of a pentagram,
They stenciled their drumheads and guitars with their names.

This was how Cyrus got sent to the school[6]
Where they told him he'd never be famous.
And this was why Jeff,
In the letters he'd write to his friend,
Helped develop a plan[8] to get even.
When you punish a person for dreaming his dream,
Don't expect him to thank or forgive you.
The best ever death metal band out of Denton
Will in time both outpace and outlive you.[4]
Hail Satan![5]
Hail Satan tonight!
Hail Satan!3
Hail hail!

Banter

  • People think this song is a joke, but there's nothing funny about being in a goddamn hospital when you're 12 and trying to explain to the people that the music you wanna listen to isn't even gonna turn you into a serial killer or anything, it just makes you feel better. There's an opportunity there. As opportunities go. Then you get a little older, and then it does get funny. (2007-09-22 North Star Bar)
  • This is a song about hope in your life. There is a magnificent Mark Eitzel song title: It Is Important Throughout Life to Proclaim Your Joy. It is also important to admit, on occasion, to the righteousness of your fury. The justness of your cause in the face of those who would do you wrong and who would rob you of your youth and who would ignore what’s good and beautiful in you. And I know this is all corny, platitude stuff but I know people who got sent to places and it sucked for them. You can’t even say how bad it was. Kirk Fitzpatrick, I remember when they sent you away, man. This is for you. (2009-02-25)
  • It is a song, like a lot of my songs, about survival and about looking into the face of the people who do not wish you the type of survival you would like to have and thinking toward them, 'I wish you well, but I will not allow you to hold me down.' (2011-03-30)
  • I went on to work with a lot of kids, who were the kids who’d been sent away someplace. Tell you a little story.I admitted a kid to a unit one time who looked a lot like me at fourteen; scrawny, scrawny, scrawny kid, long hair, who liked heavy metal. And I was doing the admission paper.When you admit somebody, they show up, and you take their clothes away and make them change into a robe, you take all their stuff away and put it in a cubby and tell them they can have it back once you feel they won’t hurt themselves with themselves with their… Walkman. [audience laughs]And… and then you sit, in the dining area, with fourteen year-old kid insecure about his body, now sitting in a robe in front of an adult he’s never seen before a couple minutes ago.And I asked my dude, you know, ‘What’s your name… what’s going on with you,’ you know. And he was all bummed and scrawny. And I said to him, ‘Did—did you know you were coming here today?’ He looks up at me, and said, 'No.’ [audience laughs]And I did what they train you to do, you ask people to share their feelings. So I said, 'Well— how, how d’you feel about being here.’And he fixed me with a look that I hope to Christ I remember on my deathbed. And he said, 'I think it sucks!' (2012)
  • They say that the best revenge is living well, but you don’t always have control over that. That’s why so many of us choose the path of destruction. You don’t have to be living well to choose the path of destruction. All you have to do is have an urge to fuck shit up. (2012-10-15 Bowery)
  • I got an electric keyboard! I could do this! [plays opening chord in an organ tone]
    Peter: Perfect.
    Baptist Generals guy: Now wait a minute. Wait a minute, John. [JD continues playing in organ tone] (2013-06-14 - Taft Theatre Ballroom, Cincinnati)
  • Like approximately 50% of the songs that are worth hearing, this one is in drop D. (2015-04-16 - Bogart's, Cincinnati)
  • I would like to sing a song about the love between a person and the spirit that rests in him, or her. I consider it a song of worship. (2015-04-22 - The Wexner Center, Columbus)
  • I mean the thing is, the Satan I hail at the end of this song is Jesus Christ himself, buddy... The one who will bring you liberation from the people who try to stand between you and the things you dream about... I don't care what you call him... I don't care what he looks like on the black velvet paintings... That's God. That's God! (undated)

    • Live Performances

    Covers

    Footnotes

    1. Followed by "practice really hard" (2013-06-14, 2017-11-12, 2019-05-07), "shredding"(2007-09-22), "til their fingers bled" (2021-08-08), "practice hard" (2015-04-16)↩
    2. Various other band names are sung here, including "Single Occupancy Toilet" (2017-11-12), "Crepitant Flatulence" (2007-09-22), "Unnecessary Surgery" (2015-04-09), "Monitor Lizard" (2015-04-16), "Corpulent Bandage" (2015-04-17) ↩
    3. Followed by an epithet of Satan: "Hail sweet prince of all flesh" (2015-04-09, 2015-04-16, 2017-11-12, 2007-09-22, 2019-05-07, 2020-08-08) ↩ 4. "Sing it!" (2007-09-22, 2015-04-09, 2015-04-16, 2015-04-17, 2021-08-08)
    5. "Like you mean it!" (2007-09-22)
    6. "The school in Utah" (2015-04-16)
    7. "never did settle" (2015-04-17)
    8. "a little plan" (2015-04-17)