No Children
Lyrics
I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town
Again in my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die
I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
Yeah I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me*
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both** die
Banter
- This is a song I wanna play, this is a song that I want you to sing with me, and maybe for me for most of the song, so that I can stand up here play my guitar with my band and Owen over here on the piano. And this is a song about the moment, that I hope you don't have, but really, if we study odds and so forth, some of you are gonna have, the moment and when it comes, you'll be all bummed and stuff. Because you say, shoot, I've invested a lot of time and love into this marriage and now, now I seem to have - you know, you look at the wedding album sometimes, drinking, and go wow, all of the hope and promise of that day comes down to one bottle of generic tequila. And may god help and preserve the person who tries to pry it from my angry hands. (2009-12-01 Webster Hall)
- People say a lot about just intonation versus right intonation but none of you recognized that song until I had the capo in the right place. Which is interesting as we regard our heroes, because in one system of intonation there is an exact vibration to which you must tune yourself or be wrong. And the other one, all your tuning points are relative to other points within the scale. Such is the case with our heroes. For example, for you, it might seem dysfunctional and unhealthy to wwake up and make yourself a screwdriver before you make a pot of coffee, but for our heroes that's healthy and normal. You stand in judgment of them but you are not them. Unless, possibly, you are, in which case this song is for you. (2017-06-01 The Fillmore)
- Man, I gotta be real with you, I'm very into the idea of the long encore right now. Why? I listen to too many Grateful Dead shows. And when you get very hardcore into Dead shows, you go, oh, wow, like the whole first set was just setting the table. And then weeding out the people who didn't mean it. That said, I suspect we have two left, because I'm not on Jerry's level. But I could probably be bullied into three. [Peter plays a bass riff that is cool, intro starts slow and quiet.] [Audience yells: THIS YEAR!] Well, that's probably gonna be one of them. If you are the Grateful Dead in '72, you play He's Gone, that's just how it is. I thank all 10 people who got that for laughing. This is a song that I got the idea for at a stoplight while driving to the Des Moines International Airport to play the Athens Pop Fest in Athens Georgia. I was playing with the Music Tapes, and True Love Always, and Neutral Milk Hotel [woo!]. And there was a song called I Hope You Dance that was popular on the radio at the time. I hated that song so much. I mean, I hated it so bad. It was extraordinarily popular in Iowa, I was like, every time I heard it, I would get angrier. [Matt starts sneakily playing the melody to I Hope You Dance on the piano as the rest of the band continues Slow Children] I now acknowledge that was a personal defect, but at the time, it struck me at a virtue. I don't really do advice to the young, but I wanna say the things you think of as virtues may someday strike you as defects. And my antipathy toward this song was one such thing, but it did result in an ok song for the Mountain Goats, that I wrote the lyric to on the airplane to Athens, and then had to sit there for the weekend because I didn't write songs in hotel rooms because of a bunch of ridiculous rules for myself, and that was one of them. But I got home and struck a little double minor pattern, and then I went to the IV, and then the V, because that's what I do, and the song was called No Children. (
- 2019-04-30 Brooklyn Steel)
- It's been two years that, for the sake of our own mental health, you have to bottle the rage up a little bit. There are plenty of people who are richly deserving of it. All the prophets have very stern words for leaders of nations who don't take care of their people. For the unwise leader, Jeremiah and Isaiah have very strong words indeed. But when it actually comes time, you have to pick your battles. You can't be sitting around simmering with rage all day. Or can you? But in the event that you need an outlet for it, well, in 2001, on a plane from Des Moines to Tallahassee, I got an idea, and I wrote a song, this was that song. I'm told it's occasionally useful. (2021-08-06 The Orange Peel)
- This is a very sentimental number. When you hear that chord, you know it's probably gonna be the last song you hear at the Mountain Goats show. The one that went viral on TikTok last year. Resulting in the unique pressure on a human being that few will know of having a manager going, are you sure you don't wanna shoot a video where you do the dance? And me, having been continuously online since December of 1994, going, no, I think any short term gain from the 56 year old dad doing the tiktok dance, will quickly be obviated by the fact that it's a 56 year old dad doing the tiktok dance. I am ageless and I am eternal and I will never die, but I know my limits. Friends, I could have done that tiktok dance better than anybody on the planet. I could have taken lessons. At balanchine studios, I could have rehearsed for 8 hours a day and been the absolute exemplar of the form and it would have been approximately two tenths of a second before someone went "that guy thinks he's doing the dance". So therefore friends I did not do the dance, and it was so wild, for a little brief window there were people showing up at Mountain Goats shows who clearly did not know the rest of the catalog. And it gave me - I mean, I'm not really a sadist in any true sense of the word - but I took a sick and prideless pleasure in seeing the people who were waiting for No Children. And only for no children. Growing progressively more irritated with the pleasure and the joy of the other people in the room. It's an amazing dynamic, it's like an ourobouros, you get happier about the stuff, they get madder it's not No Children. And then when it comes, it's like if you throw a tantrum when you're a child, and the tantrum is so good, you really give your all to it, and the parents who know they're not supposed to relent go, I'm gonna give them the candy bar, I can't. I just wanna go to bed. we gotta let em win this one time. Give 'em the candy bar. But if your tantrum lasted too long, then the candy bar doesn't taste good. You sit there eating, licking your own tears up off the Baby Ruth. I don't actually know this firsthand, I'm just thinking about it. This is a song about licking your own tears from the sweet plate before you. (2023-07-13 The Vanguard)
- There's a thing John Jacobs of the power team used to do. Literally no one knows what I'm talking about. Fellas, I hope you like that groove, 'cause this is gonna take a minute. The power team was a team of Christian evangelicals who pumped iron. they were big strapping fellows with gigantic chests, huge biceps, and they were taking steroids or my name's not John Darnielle, because they were huge. huge dudes. and they did big tent revival type stuff. they would blow up hot water balloons with their lungs, blow them up until they exploded, for Jesus. [cheering] break bricks with their heads for Jesus. It was the 80s. It was a different time. As evangelists, this was their chief skill set. When it came time to actually do the thing evangelists do, which is exetemporaneously and improvisationally explain why the love of Jesus is needed in your life, they were less good at that. So they would break some bricks, but then they had to take the microphone because every evangelist has a deep thirst for the microphone. Don't ask me how I know. But they had a technique that they would use, and it's sort of like, the kind of thing you might learn in a marketing seminar. Instead of saying to you, hey, Birmingham is a nice place, I'd say, don't you know that Birmingham is a nice place? and I've already - I've given you - it's the same thing pickup artists do. I've sort of let you know that you already know something and we agree on it. The single rhetorical trick that the power team had was the phrase 'how many of you know', and they would use it to stall for time. Because they weren't quite sure where they were going in their evangelism. "How many of you know...that John 3:16 says that he...God so loved the world...that he sent his only son Christ Jesus that he might die that you might die but lived? How many of you know that when God said that -" and then there'd be a long pause. But they weould have you already, because you're already supposed to know where they're going, so when they come up with their next line, you're already sort of - you bought in. Unless you go 'nah, not me, I'm not one of the people who know, John Jacobs of the power team.' I mention all of this to you by way of saying this is a fun thing to do. I might ask you, how many of you know [cheering] that when you go to the courthouse you have to dress nice. Because it's supposed to increase your chances with the judge. Maybe he's already predisposed against you. maybe he doesn't like your side of the argument. Maybe he knows somebody who knows you and doesn't like them, but maybe if you wear a nice tie, maybe the judge will be persuaded by your tie. How many of you know that when you need a nice tie you can't seem to find one? How many of you know that your best tie will have a stain on it that morning? [JD starts to sort of sing, getting more and more into it] When you drive up there to the courthouse, how many of you know that you won't find a parking lot with a single space in it, on the morning when you show up to divorce court? how many of you know that you'll be having second thoughts, but it's too late for second thoughts, you're already ankle deep in lawyers fees and they're rising up to your knees? how many of you know that when you leave to the courtroom that day, you'll feel lighter in some ways and heavier in others? how many of you know you're gonna need a song in your heart? this is that song. (2022-09-20 Saturn)
- Audience member: Death metal band please? Death metal band very much please?
JD: You struck the tone again [laughing]. No friend, there will be no death metal tonight. However, there will be a divorce.
[raucous cheering]
JD: Sometimes we can't have rule death, doom death, or any of the other death metals. You still have a divorce. That's one of the things about divorce. It's always an option. When your friends leave you, your job tells you they don't need you, your landlord gives you a 30 day notice to pay or quit, you still have your divorce. If you haven't got it yet, you could be looking forward to it. Y'know, I'm struggling now, I'm suffering now, but someday I too will get my divorce. This is a song for when that day's right around the corner. (2022-05-21 The Sylvee)
- When I think about this song, sometimes I think about a lawyer I went to see once. When I did not have enough money to pay the retainer. I was facing a three year charge, and I didn't like my chances. I was young and real dumb, and I thought, maybe they'll feel very agreeable that day, and he'll just pro bono this. He did not pro bono this, and I got three years supervised probation. But in the courtroom, you see all kinds of people waiting for their turn in the halls, in the wooden benches. Gathering up energy to testify in divorce court. I would wager, that some of the people I walked past leaving the courtroom on the day Roy Orbison died, learning that I was gonna have to pee in a cup for three years, I would wager that some of the people I walked past that day have sung this song since then. (2023-10-02 Belly Up Tavern)
- [Someone adds hand claps to an already ska-djacent intro] You know, you could skank to this part of the song. Kind of the, I like to prepare people for this song, by reminding them that whatever you're going through, it will be over soon. That may or not be good news. There may not be much on the other side of the disaster, sometimes the disaster is all that you have. Sometimes you cannot imagine yourself outside of the great yawning canvas that is the Disaster. Sometimes the eye of the disaster looks at you and says, it's you and me, it's you and me, it's you and me, bud. And you say, can I bring a friend? And from the ceiling, at 3 am, the disaster says, yes you may. (2023-10-03 The Belasco)
- Fellas if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna get off this guitar that holds me down and prowl the stage. Like a, like a, like an ocelot, you know. I don't wanna be over ambitious, but I do wanna be able to bite. THis is a song that's in 6/8, but you can count it in 3, but it's all the same to me. [band starts to play intro] This is the song that people ask me to sign their divorce papers over. Wait, is that what you have?! [someone throws their divorce papers on stage, everyone cheers wildly, JD starts to read them] Notice to respondent: you have been sued! Read the information below and on the next page! You have thirty calendar days after this summons and petition are served to you to file a response! That's form FL-120, at the court, and have a copy served on the petitioner. A letter, a phone call, or court appearance will not protect you! I wanted to settle this in therapy, but you wouldn't go to therapy with me! I tried to talk to you about it before dinner, and I tried to talk to you about it after dinner. Sometimes you'd enter into the conversation but I didn't feel like you were doing so in earnest. We can't have these conversations if we're not going to speak in earnest. To one another, and for this reason, and for many others, I am taking you to family court! Standard family law restraining orders starting immediately! You and your spouse - keep vamping, fellas, this is a long paper - [audience laughs] are restrained from removing the minor children of the parties from the state, or applying for a new or replacement passport for those minor children without the prior, written consent of the other party or an order of the court. There's four pages. [woo!] Behind those four pages rest a lot of things that are none of our business. When you come to the point of having these papers in your hand you need a song in your heart. This is that song. (2023-10-05 August Hall)
- We got the word when we were came off stage that we only have 15 minutes, so I gotta not be doing the banter, you know. I gotta cut right to the chase. [band plays a notably faster intro than on other shows this tour] And yet, I wanna tell you that some of you are getting divorced. [cheering] It sounds like fun, now, I know, we all know, I think, I can't wait for my divorce, it's gonna be a blast. Ya know, throw some shit, complain to my friends about it, go get a cocktail. Two cocktails. A pitcher of margaritas. A second pitcher. Some soft pretzels. A bowl of ramen with american cheese. Good hangover food. This is a song that's sort of like, those televangelists who would encourage you to put your hand on the screen in case God was speaking to you. To let the power of the Lord flow through the cathodes. Everyone can enjoy this song, but one or two of you need this song. Friend, is the lord reaching out to you tonight? (2023-10-06 August Hall)
- I'm working on a theory that when Donna Jean Godchaux gets out the tambourine, it means the band has something heavy to say. This is a song, you know, Peter, this is a song for the lovers in the house. [Peter laughs] For the dreamers. For the lovers, the dreamers, the betrayed, and the rejected. And the hopeless. The betrayed, rejected, hopeless, loving dreamers. I want you to look down inside your heart tonight, friends, and find the person toward whom you are still bitter, and invoke them as a visual hologram in your field like Princess Leia. Warning the others. Have them before your eyes and let's sing together. (2023-10-07 Ace of Spades)
- I remember the Lubbock audience because the first time me and Peter came here by ourselves we did not know what to expect. There were about 50 people here, and they went completely mental. On the Kaki King tour we came here and played at the Pete Block [?] which is not actually a club, a wooden ramp for us to load. I remember that somebody got so drunk they thought he was going to die. You remember the towns where the people get so drunk that you worry they're going to die. This song is, in fact, populated by two people who have gotten so drunk you would think that they would die. But every morning they just get up, champions that they are, examples to us that they are, and say "yesterday I did my best, and today I'm gonna try my best again....to annihilate myself, and everyone who comes within my orbit." This is their pledge. They're not good people. One thing you learn writing songs like these is people say, they may not be good people, but they're my people. [crowd cheers] This is a song that I hope just amuses you, but if you have at some point in your life had need for it, or expect that you will in the near future, then this one's for you. (2023-10-27 Cactus Theater)
- [crowd starts chanting Hail Satan] I know you wanna hail Satan, but I want you to consider the equally religious space of the lawyer's office [some guy boos]. Oh, you hail Satan for kicks on Friday but come Monday morning at the lawyer's office, you will petition the God in whom you do not believe for a little relief. Just a break. You won't be asking for eveyrthing you want. Not even any of the things you want. Just, just, half an hour more sleep than you had last night. Once you get through this. Just for the headache to stop. But it's not that God has abandoned you in these times, it's that he's angry with you, and seeks to teach you a lesson. And you never seem to learn it. So he has to bring out the big guns. Loss. And doubt. And momentary panic, that's really one of the more powerful spiritual weapons. You know, watching a tv show about something to distract yourself, seems to be working really well, til Bolt of Panic. What will I be doing this time next week. I don't know. I don't know. It's all kind of a blur. Until the divorce goes through. (2023-10-28 Longhorn Ballroom)
- UNTRANSCRIBED: 2023-10-29
- The difference between the Mountain Goats and the Grateful Dead among other things, is that we don't hurl abuse at you while we tune. Because it's uncouth. Casting no aspersions on the members of that fine band. Jack Straw from Wichita, [unintelligible]. I was on interstate 35 in Iowa, going to the airport, heading down the Merle Hay Road. Used to be a car dealer out there, everybody who ever lived in Iowa knows the song. [sings] the mile, the mile, the miracle mile, the Merle Hay Auto Mile. Those were all the lyrics to the song. This must have been in the year 2000, maybe early 2001. A British label called 4AD had called me up and said - this is how labels work - they said 'what would you do if you were gonna make an album for us'? And it's like - a job interview question. I'm like, I dunno, do Mountain Goats songs? But no, you can feel - there's an answer. It's job interview style. You're supposed to come up with an answer. So I said, well, I used to write these songs about this divorcing couple. Always sure thought it would be funny to give them a whole album and make it as brutal as possible. That was the right answer to the interview question, so we got the 4AD contract and I started writing songs. By the time I'm on 35 driving to the airport a couple months later, I'm thinking about nothing but this divorcing couple. All the time. They are living inside my brain for the first time in about six years. It's uncomfortable, but it's a groove, you know. But in the meantime I'm listening to Iowa radio. Iowa Public Radio is cool, but after that, it was some lean pickings in the 2000s. I worked in the nursing profession, and all the nurses I worked with liked this kind of song. It went, [sings several stanzas of I Hope You Dance over No Children groove that the band is rocking in] ...and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...I knew the Mountain Goats had to write an answer song to this. 1-2-3, 1-2-3.(2024-04-12 The Palace)
Live Performances
Footnotes
- * Variant: "You will be coming down with me" appended (2023-10-02, 2023-10-05)
- ** Variant: "all" instead of "both" (2023-10-02, 2023-10-03, 2023-10-06, 2023-10-27, 2023-10-28)